Vaccinations Cause Children to Masturbate – Public Frustration At Austrian Article

There has been a lot of debate recently about vaccinations and their potential side effects. This climaxed in a storm in the German language press in the last few days focusing on the link between vaccinations and increased masturbation in children. Here is a review of some aspects of this important issue. 

While you read why not listen to my electro/techno album ‘Studio Valiumm‘? Here are the videos (you can also download it from iTunes using the link here):

Readers of my personal site at will be well aware that one of my hobbies is to scan the German language press to find interesting news articles which may not have received much attention in the English media. Sometimes these reports can be amusing (for more examples check out my Alpine Press Reports or my personal Blog).

As I am currently working in my music studio in South Africa with the Pretty Spandex Boys one article in the Austrian Press particularly caught my attention. It was first carried on 17th February 2017 by the portal under the title: “Heilpraktikerin warnt: Geimpfte Kinder fangen an zu masturbieren“. For those who struggled with German at school here’s my rough translation “Natural Health Professional warns: vaccinated children start to masturbate“.

Title Page from online press article at on 17th Feb 2017

Title Page from online press article at on 17th Feb 2017

The original article has been removed – presumably following official complaints to the Austrian press regulatory body. You can however still see the title page in the Austrian newspaper using the link here.

The original article quoted a Swiss Natural Medicine practitioner who, it claimed, had warned parents against vaccinating their children. Apparently this natural medicine practitioner had noticed that following vaccinations children had started to masturbate and later had to cope with serious side effects like dyslexia, sleep problems, stuttering and even brain tumours.

Care should be taken when clicking on the following video if you have recently had a vaccination (available from iTunes using the link here)

According to other press reports the article on did not attempt to give a balanced analysis of views for and against this viewpoint – this is presumably what led to the complaints and the article being withdrawn from public circulation. is well known in the German speaking world as a Boulevard or gossip/tabloid portal however many other publications felt that with this article it had reached a new low point in its professional integrity.

After doing a little more research in the German language media I discovered that the 54 year old Natural Medicine practitioner was qualified from the Homeopathy school in the Swiss town of Zug. She had shared her views with the local Toggenburger Newspaper. Roughly translated, these were: “Today I would prevent my children from having vaccinations. This is because, if nothing else, after vaccinations children can suddenly start to masturbate”.

Here’s another Pretty Spandex Boys video – they have all been vaccinated (also available from iTunes using the link here)

This situation she believes is an indication of the “vaccination illness”. She acknowledged that there can be other causes of excessive masturbation which should be included in future research. If you want to check out a German review in Huff Post you can find a report here. The Huff article also presented the opposite view, for example, by referring to the 120,000 deaths each year from Measles which could be prevented by vaccination.

The German Sueddeutsche Zeitung (SDZ) tried to also present a more balanced review with a touch of Bavarian humour. The German press do enjoy taking the Michael out of their smaller neighbours in Austria and Switzerland. The SDZ explained that as well as masturbation there were a number of other childhood phenomena that might ‘theoretically’ also be linked to vaccinations – like:

  • the wearing of trousers or T-shirts that are too wide/too tight/too short or too long
  • the following of YouTubers
  • listening to pop music with too much/too little bass/beat/melody/guitars/keyboards/sense/meaning
  • using Headphones with the trade mark ‘Beats’

They suggest that such traits in children should be added to masturbation in any serious study into the side-effects of vaccination.

As well as the Pretty Spandex Boys – on Sundays I work with the local choir (also available from iTunes using the link here)

To maintain balance the SDZ pointed out that the relationship between vaccination and masturbation had not been convincingly disproved. They reported that following a review of literature they felt they could safely claim that vaccinations in general led to children being more healthy. Healthy children are more likely to enjoy the kind of things that content kids do like, they suggest, masturbate. Their logic was that a child in bed suffering with measles was unlikely to be interested in masturbating whereas a child without measles would be in a better mood and therefore more inclined to have fun. So theoretically the vaccination could be held (indirectly) responsible for the child having more time to enjoy such ‘fun’ activities (the SDZ article ‘The truth about the relationship between vaccination and masturbation‘ in German is here).

Chris Duggleby

If you have had a vaccination the following may be a little gentler on the body…

my album ‘Electro Baroque‘ (all tracks are also available on iTunes using the link here)? Classical music using modern instruments:

If you found this article interesting please consider taking a look at some of his other recent reports on similar subjects.

Just click on the titles below:

…starting with some fun related articles:

16th Oct 2016: How to Prevent Smelly Trumps – Scientific Breakthrough in Australia – Good Carbs Mean Good Farts 

9th March 2016: Penis Ring Emergency – German Fire Fighters Rescue Man From Painful 13 Cock Ring Torture: Vorsprung durch Technik and erectile dysfunction

21st June 2015: Bio-undies: Guilt free Passion with ‘Easy Emma’ and ‘Loose Harry’and Getting Rid of Garden Snails with Rent-a-Duck

4th March 2015: Hamburg Reeperbahn (St. Pauli): Germans install walls that urinate on passers-by

17th April 2014: Niche On-line Dating Services (Specialities: Herpes, Thrush and Genital Warts)

18th August 2012: How Bavarians and Austrians use their middle fingerFingerhakeln: a men-only sport (did Arnold Schwarzenegger start training this way?).

You can also find some of my more humorous reports in the Alpine Press section of this site using the link here.

some here is some more serious stuff:

12th June 2016 Hospital Serial Killer – Super Bugs Created With Jumping Genes During Bacterial Sex

21st May 2016 Skin Cancer and Cataracts From Your Car – Poor UV Side Protection – Windows Tested From 15 Vehicle Makers

19th April 2016 Torture In The Shower – Face and Body Soap Allergies – Main Suspect: Pears Transparent Soap

3rd March 2016 Using Gene Drives To Change Mosquito Sex In Fight Against Zika, Dengue and Malaria

3rd Feb 2016 Zika Infection Spread By Sex In Dallas – Earlier Sexual Transmission In Colorado – Detailed Symptoms 

31st Jan 2016  Bed Bugs – Insecticide Resistance – Arbovirus Transmission – Zika and Microcephy

13th Jan 2016 Kill Head Lice In A Day With The Newly Developed Plasma Nitcomb From The German Fraunhofer Institute

26th July 2015 Poison in your Washing Machine: Allergic Contact Dermatitis from Laundry Detergents, Softeners, Conditioners and Whiteners

29th December 2012: Spreading diarrhea and vomit through the washing machine– The Norovirus propagator in our kitchen

…please visit again.


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